Recently I took some extended time off work to rest and sit quietly with the Lord. It came on the heels of a demanding, exhausting season, and I am grateful for the opportunity. Over the course of my time at home, a single word came up multiple times and ultimately became the theme of that time off: Surrender.
The number of things the Lord has asked me to surrender in recent memory feels nearly comical. I have wrestled for months with various forms of physical pain, and God has reminded me that He knitted me together and knows my body better than anyone else. I have sat in pride and self-sufficiency in areas of leadership, believing that I know best, and God has powerfully reminded me of my sin, blind spots, and need for grace. I have struggled knowing how to parent my kids, and God has shown me that I need to let go of the belief that I can get it all right. And perhaps the greatest opportunity for surrender came right in the middle of my time off. Unexpectedly, Jim received an invitation to apply for a new job in a different field, and we both sensed God asking, “Are you willing? Do you trust me?” Then, after submitting a resume and setting up an interview, the Lord closed the door as quickly as He had opened it.
And yet, despite some disappointment and confusion, I know without a doubt that it was never about a job. It has always been about God's pursuit of our hearts.
Surrender.
Over the last few weeks, I have listened to song lyrics and a podcast on surrender, read blogs on surrender, and had conversations with Jim on surrender. What is it really and what does it look like? What do we need to surrender control of, exactly? What isn’t it and how do we wrap our heads around this daunting word? And after all this thought, prayer, and contemplation, here is what I have come up with: Surrender is choosing to acknowledge that God is God and to live fully out of that knowledge in worship and trust. Honestly, surrender is everything in our relationship with the Lord. Without it, we are our own god.
I am a fiercely independent person. It is how I am hard-wired after being raised by a single mom. I hate asking for help, and what happens when I do ask and someone forgets to respond or lets me down? Well, that just reinforces my thoughts that I shouldn’t have asked in the first place. (This is not theology here! I’m just sharing my struggles.) God is loving me in this season by crushing my self-sufficiency. I can’t do it alone. I have to ask for help. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what I’m doing. It is exhausting and humbling. And it is also essential to my faith life. I am not "losing”; I am acknowledging that I am not the One in control. I am not raising my hands in defeat; I am using them to cling to the robe of Christ. I am not giving in to my circumstances; I am giving myself over to the One in charge of my circumstances.
I’d love to say that after my time off everything in life got easier and tied up with a nice, neat bow. I honestly can’t say that. It is all a process. In fact, I won't be fully surrendered to the Lord until I am united with Christ in glory. But hopefully each day that God has me here on this earth, He will teach me more and more to let go of false control, self-sufficiency, personal desires, and all of the many things I think I want, and instead teach me to say, “Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.” (Matthew 6:10.)
What is God asking you to surrender?