“I miss you dad. I miss you a lot. I know life wasn’t easy for you. I know you weren’t perfect. But you were my dad.”
Those are the opening words in a letter that I wrote to my dad in 2007. It was an assignment from my counselor. My dad never read the letter. He couldn’t. On June 19, 1976, he died of spinal meningitis. He was 43 years old. I was 12.
This past Sunday, Father’s Day, came and went. I quietly watched the U.S. Open and heard from all my kids. But deep down, I felt a little bit of sadness, loneliness, and anger. I felt empathy for my 12-year-old self. I’m not always available to listen to those voices from my past. Instead, I’ve chosen to tune them out, to perform in an effort to avoid the pain of feeling abandoned, to close my heart, put my head down, and move forward.
In the immediate aftermath of my dad’s death, I was angry. I didn’t know where to go with those feelings. No one asked me how I felt, or at least, I don’t remember being asked. It took years before I came to realize that my anger was with God. I mean, what kind of God takes the father of four children in the middle of the night without any warning or final words?
I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. God can handle our anger. He can handle our cries from the pit. He knows, he sees, he hears, he cares. Our hope and prayer is that our time in the Psalms this summer has helped you bring your real self to God.
It’s not an excuse for my failings and weaknesses, but I missed out on having a dad's example, guidance, protection, and love during those formative teenage years, and as a young adult, I struggled to find my way. I played the part, but I often felt like a poser when it came to being a man, a husband, and a father.
But I’m not a poser. The simple, honest truth is that there is a big gap between who I am and who God wants me to be. In other words, I’m perfectly normal! I’m not failing, but I’m constantly in need and in process.
I'm deeply grateful for the time I did have with my dad - for those handful of memories that provide a connection to the man God used to bring me into this world. I can feel sadness and gladness, even madness, at the same time. I can bring all of that to God! My whole self. My real self!
Father’s Day may have been a hard day or a good day for you, a day of counting your blessings or a day of burying your disappointment. Either way, it’s ok! I don’t know what you’ve experienced or endured. I do know you have a Father in heaven who loves you very, very much. A Father who will never leave you or forsake you. A Father who loves to give good gifts to his kids. If you have placed your faith in Jesus Christ, you are HIS child. Nothing could ever change that!
With the convergence of all these thoughts and feelings, I'm challenged to be present as a dad to my four kids and as a grandfather to my grandkids, to show up when they invite me into their lives and to love them well. I'm so blessed to be a dad, an imperfect dad for sure, but to have the opportunity to pass on some of what I received and much of what I missed out on.
Most importantly, I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father who so filled the void in my life as a young man...and still does even as an old man. He is a perfect Father who provides me with love, acceptance, guidance, forgiveness, and so much more.
Someday, I'll see both of my dads’ faces-to-face!!! I can't wait!