Back in April of this year, I preached a message from Galatians 5:13-15 at the Blackman Campus. The title of the sermon was “Not License but Love,” and it was an unpacking of what true freedom is. Point number 2 was “Freedom is a life of love,” which I will not delve into in this blog. What I do want to get into is an illustration I used and the response that I got from it.
I shared about some of my own relational struggles when I first returned to the U.S. from Uganda. I started going to a counselor to help work through it all. During one of our first sessions, the counselor gave me a sheet of paper with what looked like a target on it. He explained that each of the concentric circles represented the different relationships we typically have. The center circle is our relationship with God, the next circle would be the people closest to us, like spouse, kids, etc. Then the third circle was our closest friends. As we talked, I had to admit that I did not have any 3rd circle friends. Actually, I did not have any 4thcircle friends either. I had Jesus, my wife, and kids, and 5th circle acquaintances. That relational deficit was causing feelings of loneliness, isolation, and rejection. I quickly came to understand that most of my relational struggles were rooted in long-held fears. This was a wonderful breakthrough for me and allowed me to develop a plan with the help of my counselor to find 3rd and 4th circle relationships.
The Sunday I preached that message, after each service, several people approached me to share their own struggles with making close friends. That feedback continued over the next few weeks, and it was clear that this hit a nerve with many. With that in mind, I wanted to share an experience of someone who pushed through their fear to reach out, and how four people ended up with new 3rd circle friends.
The day after preaching this message, I received a text message from a man at the church. He and I had known each other for a few years, but we never really spent any time together. We would see each other sometimes on Sundays before church started, and we would often talk about grabbing coffee, but we never followed through. His text acknowledged that we both had never followed up, but now he wanted to be more intentional. He asked if we could get together for coffee that week. When I received the text, I quickly looked at my schedule and messaged back that I had time that Friday morning.
We met at a Dunkin’. That might not be the ideal place to meet, the chairs are hard, the lighting is operating room bright, and while I do not drink coffee, I can tell you that the tea is mediocre. However, the conversation was fun and easy as we talked about our families and our jobs and ministry. Our 5-minute Sunday morning chats were always fine, but this extended time talking allowed us to discover common interests and common issues (see parenting). As our time was coming to a close, I invited him and his wife to get dinner later that night with Tory and me. I believe this is the first time since the fall of man in the garden that two husbands attempted to make plans that included their wives! Lo and behold, that evening worked for all of us, and we met up for dinner.
Since that night, we have met together for dinner every month. The first three times, we met at a restaurant. In July, we went to their house, and this month they are coming over to ours. We have found new friends that we laugh with, share difficulties with, and find encouragement in every time we get together. We look forward to our time together each month, and even though we live pretty far apart, I would not be surprised to see us increase our time together.
The first two years after returning to America were really tough. This past year has been remarkably different. I now have a fairly robust group of people in my 3rd and 4th circles. Finding those friends has taken intentionality, both on my part and on theirs. But there needs to be one who takes the initiative. One to send that first text and start that conversation. One has to say, “What day and what time can we get together?” I am grateful that my friend did that, and now four of us are reaping the benefits.
