Seventeen years ago, Jim and I visited Nashville for Jim to interview for a new job. We were told after the interview ended that an offer would be extended unless either party felt a “check in their spirit” overnight. None of us experienced this, but since that day I have liked the phrase “a check in my spirit.” To me, it describes a gut feeling that something isn’t right and needs examination – kind of like a spiritual check engine light coming on. And beyond just being aware of it when making big decisions, it is also important for me to be conscious of it in my daily spiritual life. Truthfully, I have had many checks in my spirit this past month:
For Lent, I have been reading the book of Isaiah. It is a beautiful book that underscores our need for a Savior, and when I began, I was excited to dive into it more slowly. But as the weeks went on, it felt more and more like a chore instead of a joy. I even found myself delaying or avoiding my quiet time. (Check.)
On a typical morning, when I wake up and head to work, I am grateful for the gift of my job. I feel honored and blessed to be used by the King, knowing I don’t deserve such grace. But for the last few weeks, I have been filled with unease as I have had to deal with new, hard things. My heart has felt heavy and full of dread some mornings. (Check.)
Recently, I have received several text messages that have made me feel angry. They are simple and reasonable requests, but the responses they have elicited in me have been defensive and irritated. I know that that these responses are about much more than the contents of the message; I know that they represent a general feeling of being overwhelmed. (Check.)
Each of these things in and of themselves is easy to explain and justify. After all, I have had a lot going on! And because the feelings are understandable, it can be easy to ignore the heart issues beneath the feelings. But when I experience avoidance, dread, fear, and anger, I have learned that something in me — not just in my circumstances — needs to change. Another friend calls these “highlighter moments” because they highlight the checks in the spirit that God wants us to pay attention to. So, what are we to do when the big, fat highlighter comes out?
First (always first!), we are to pray. God alone can change our hearts, and we need to invite Him to do so. Personally, I struggle to pray when I have a bad attitude, so after acknowledging this to God and asking for forgiveness and help, I work to keep my thoughts more on Him than on me. For me these past few weeks, that has looked like keeping worship music on a lot at home and in the car. It is hard to focus on my anger or bad attitude when I am singing about how great God is.
We are to spend time with Him in His word and at His feet. I mentioned that I was struggling with my reading plan, but I knew that avoiding my Bible and my time with God was not His will for me. So, I chose to take a few days to read a psalm, a devotion with an attached scripture, etc., and let myself miss a few days of my regular Isaiah reading. I chose to let go of expectation and obligation and simply show up, trusting God to meet me in His grace.
Also, we are to fight for rest. True rest looks like spending time with the One who heals. For me, rest these past several days has also looked like a nap and a hot bath, which were both deeply restorative. It also looked like prayerfully considering my role in volunteering for my daughter’s choir concert, ultimately choosing not to help with this one. The many checks in my spirit have shown me that I have reached my emotional capacity, so I chose to not add to my mental load but instead to give my best to the things God has already assigned to me.
Finally, we are to ask for help. I shared my poor attitude with a few friends, asking them to pray for me, point out any things I might be called to change, and stand with me in the hard places. I did not ask for them to share my righteous indignation over perceived injustices; I simply asked them to pray for my heart. Their words and their encouragement have been an important part of the process of standing firm during a hard season.
These last few weeks, I haven't felt like I have had much to give, but I also know that just a few days ago we celebrated the fact that Jesus gave it all on our behalf and defeated sin. I don’t have to gut it out to “be better” or “do better.” I just have to pay attention to the checks in my spirit, turn to God, and allow Him to heal and restore me as only He can. He is a God of change, and He knows what I need.
And those who know your name put their trust in you,
for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.
— Psalm 9:10